Melancholia

This is one review I do not want to write. I don't know how to tell you what I felt about it, while at the same time discouraging any of you from watching it. There are rarely films that I watch that I feel have absolutely no point. Melancholia is one of those films. However, I enjoyed it somewhat. Maybe it's my mentality toward the norm. The status quo if you will. I love to like things that everyone else doesn't get or plain out hate. It makes me feel superior in a way to know that I get "it" whatever that may be. The title however is a perfect match for my final emotion when the credits ran. I expected this great artsy film about a woman who had infinite knowledge about the Universe and all living things. Not the case. The trailer made it seem like Justine (Dunst) was a medium of sorts. She was somehow connected to the universe and maybe she had an outlook beyond the standard human knowledge. Turns out she may or may not. It actually doesn't let us know anything about her, except for the fact that she is completely Bat S#!+ crazy. We are never given an inside view of why everyone pussyfoots around her. No one wants to upset her, or she may have an incident. The first 35 minutes of the film is exactly as it should be. No frills, one camera, dialog driven, indie film that makes me glad I am watching it. The through a turn of events, a lack of explanation, and a cauldron of misconception it kind of derails. I will say this. If you have any inkling to see Melancholia, watch the opening 8 minutes which is filled with random images that move at an alarmingly slow motion, while Beethoven's 9th plays in the background. That song is already dramatic and depressing, but when paired with the images, it almost suicidal. If you get past that, you will enjoy the next half hour. After that, it's a crap shoot. Melancholia actually is referring to a planet on a course to glide by Earth in a wonderment of beauty never before seen. However, there may be a slight chance it hits Earth destroying all life. The brightest spot in the film is Kiefer Sutherland's character. He is brilliant in his angriness. John Hurt is also brilliant as Justine's Father who may or may not be insane. It is very strange, and I don't know anyone who would like it. Slightly enjoy it maybe, but like it is unlikely. I also feel if any of my readers went out and rented it, they would blame me solely for their current state of unhappiness.


NBM rates Melancholia - Good

Green Lantern 2.0 (Jester's Version)

When Green Lantern hit theaters this past summer, I had no desire to watch another DC comics failure. NBM guest writer "Superman" had different thoughts and he scribed the review for this film a couple of days after it's theatrical release, then he bought it on Blu Ray when it came out, and finally he loaned it to me. It sat there for over a month waiting for me to have nothing better to watch or do. Now that I have seen it, I feel I must write some words about it. It did not exceed my expectations and it did not fall short of my expectations. Truth be told I had very little expectations to begin with, which suck because I do love Ryan Reynolds. I am not a comic book guy, however I do like the stories that have spawned an entire generation of decent to fantastic comic book films. Marvel definitely has the edge on the market, and by that I do not mean in terms of characters. The characters do have a lot to do with a film, but overall, it's the direction and story that make or break it. Marvel has had a few flubs along the way, but since X-Men broke over 11 years ago, the success rate for a Marvel movie is very high. Maybe they have been doing it long enough to understand the formula. Hal Jordan (Reynolds) is the son of a military pilot, so naturally that is what he wants to be. He is one, and a cocky one at that. No accountability whatsoever for any of his actions. He is a selfish pilot, a selfish man, and a selfish lover. That last one is merely an observation on my part. When an alien ship crashes to Earth, the Alien's "costume jewelry" chooses Hal as this Aliens predecessor in the Green Lantern corps. After Hal inherits his ring, he is the first human to be in the corps, and he doesn't know what that means. He doesn't even know what the corps is or does. He does know he has to speak the oath to the lantern which is the funniest scene in the movie...."To infinity and beyond the Power of Greyskull. Amen" The CG is extreme and the story is mediocre. If you are a comic book guy, I'm sure you knew all the players in the film. I, however, thought Sinestro (Mark Strong) was a baddie from all the trailers I watched. I pay attention and read a lot of movie news and spoiler sites and the fact that I was wrong about such a detail proves that the marketing campaign for Green Lantern sucked. They didn't do their jobs to promote what the movie was. They expected everyone to know everything about this Green Lantern world, and that's just not the case. Hal is the first Human in the corps, and this bothers some of the other corps members. You see to be a Green Lantern, you must not have fear, and it is Human nature to be fearful. After a couple of cool scenes, and a few good jokes it comes to an end. As I have always preached here at No Bad Movies, I never regret watching any movie, but whether I watch it again usually determines how I feel about it. I will never watch this again and depending on whether or not I like you will determine if I tell you to watch it or not. Now that see how I feel, here is a link to the original Lantern review from Superman.

Jester rates the Green Lantern - Good

Your Highness

I really had hoped after witnessing that superb Red Band trailer all those months ago, that Your Highness would have more to offer. It turned out to be what I like to call a "Trailer Movie" (Copyright by NBM and it's affiliates). A "Trailer Movie" is a film that gives away all the redeeming qualities in the trailers, and they don't add much that we have not already seen. I just kept waiting for it, but the plot just seemed to drag on and on, with silly dialogue and F bombs dropping like they are going out of style. I didn't expect much else from Danny McBride, but I did expect a better script. I had an argument about this movie- well, more like an airing of opinions - with the one we call Archangel. He loved this movie. Actually, according to how I read his messages, it should read more like, LOVE!!! I kind of get where he is coming from, but in my opinion, it could have flowed better, without relying on the F word in British dialect to attain the laughs. It follows two very different brothers. Thadius (McBride) and his older Bro Fabius (Franco). Fabius is a national treasure and future king, while Thadius is a stoner, lazy, slacker, foul mouthed dickhead. When Fabius Bride is stolen by the sinister Wizard Lezar, they must rescue her. Lezar has plans for the bride (Deschanel). Thadius gets his first quest much to his dismay. He and Big Bro travel to country seeking Lezar. They run into some foes along the way, and I think the funniest scene in the movie involved the mythological creature The Minotaur. All in all, Thadius is trying to earn respect whist not dying, and Fabius just wants his bride back. I will say, for a secondary character, Thadius' assistant Courtney added several laughs of his own, but not even this brilliant cast which also includes Natalie Portman could get me to watch it more than the one time I did.

NBM rates Your Highness - Good

The Killer Inside Me

This is a hard movie to watch. not because of it's pace which is usually the case, but more about its content. I remember wanting to see it back when it came out. It casts Casey Affleck in the lead role coming off of his other leading success Gone Baby Gone. This one seemed to be up my alley until it got out of hand. I like the era, the actors, and the story, but the way it was portrayed kind of turned my stomach which is saying A LOT. Lou Ford (Affleck) is a deputy sheriff in a small Oklahoma town in the 1940's. Not much happens in these settings mostly, so without Lou and his mental problems it would be a really boring film. It follows Lou through his day of doing his job, visiting a local prostitute [who he seems to love], then he goes home where is regular girlfriend is, only to repeat the process day after day. When he feels he is being played by Joyce (Alba - Prostitute) and the son of a local wealthy man, he turns the tables on both of them. This is where is got hard to watch...more than watch...hard to hear. He beats her within an inch of her life, and the film makers thought it was a good idea to make it as real as possible. The moist smacking sound that his fist makes against her face time after time for what seemed like 5 minutes was a little much in my opinion. Then he murders the rich boy in her house to make it look like he beat her, then she shot him. In a small town where the Sheriff can do no wrong, who is gonna say it happened differently? The DA, Howard Hendricks (Mentalist's Simon Baker) thinks there is way more going on. He follows Lou on his day to day, always getting the story, since Lou was the first on the scene. It just never adds up to him, and he thinks he may have a plan to oust him. From here it is cat and mouse, and before you know it, Lou is further in than he planned, which involves other towns folks and his girlfriend  Amy Stanton which is played by the lovely Kate Hudson. The nudity was nice, but the graphic violence ruined it for me in the end. The story has a good twisted ending, not to say there is a twist at all. Don't think I'll ever watch it again, but I did watch it in it's entirety, so I can firmly say that without that one scene it would've got an AWESOME rating based on the great story.


NBM rates The Killer Inside Me - Good

A Christmas Carol (2009)

Let me start by saying that this version is not as entertaining as either of the previous versions I grew up on. First, there is Mickey's Christmas Carol which is an all time classic 100% animated film. Then we have Scrooged which is live action dark comedy with Bill Murray. This one is sort in between them in realms of the way it looks. It's a sort of animated realism. It's like Polar Express or Beowolf, only crisper. The Technology has improved. The characters in film some what resemble the actors who voice them, and the motion is very crisp, but the way the story is told bothered me. It is extremely dark, and I would not show it to young children. I do not need to talk to much of the story, as I'm sure you are all well aware of Charles Dickens classic novel by now. I do think this one may be more desciptively accurate than the other versions, but I prefer the light hearted versions. I don't think I'll need to watch it again, but it did make me want to pop in Scrooged immediately after to pick up the mood. The last 20 minutes of the film were the most fun, and it really felt real.

NBM rates A Christmas Carol (2009) - Good

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Spread

A modern day American Gigolo with a twist. Ashton plays Nicki, an arrogant 20 something handsome man that uses women as they also get what they want from him. He has no job, no car, and no money, but he is able to remedy all these problems because of his sexiness. The movie does not have a ton of substance, but it's entertaining nonetheless. Sex sells, as they say. Nicki loves the life he has chosen. Jumping from one rich broad to the next. Enter the stunningly sexy forty something, one time lesbo, now straight Anne Heche. She is the most recent prey of Nicki. Let me be straight, Nicki does not get paid for loving the ladies. He merely gets room and board, very nice room, but still. Eventually he gets bored, and screws it up on purpose to move on to the next, but in his late 20's he's running out of time to find happiness. Fortunately he finally meets his match. A girl that blows him off and will not give up her number. HE becomes infatuated with her and thinks he is actually found someone to "love". She is everything he wants, but she knows his game and she kinda does the same stuff with men that she does with women. They wanna to put all that behind them and just be with each other. Poor, but together, and happy. What I like about the movie was the nudity, of course I am a man, what baffled me is the fact that Nicki wore suspenders throughout. Every outfit, same suspenders. Kinda weird.

NBM rates Spread - Good

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Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Another film the critics got way wrong. This Bad Lieutenant got rave reviews, yet although decent, does not deserve an 87%. It stars the all time "over actor" Nicolas Cage. I used to be a huge fan of Nic Cage, but for some reason he completely changed the way he acted. Everything became so loud and over the top, like Pacino, but not as good. He did win an Oscar for a reason, and I never thought his career would turn this direction. A lot of it has to do with the roles he takes. I do think he is in the Hollywood cross hairs due to his recent money troubles. These producers know he is no position to say No to any role as long as it pays. That is why he has been showing up in a new film every 5 months or so. He plays the role Harvey Keitel made famous, The Bad Lieutenant. Terence (Cage) has a Coke addiction, and I don't mean cola. His back is basically a non stop painful experience he must endure for the rest of his life. We are never informed about what he did to his back. For all we know he could have injured it in the line of duty, or lifting a 50 lb. bag of kibble. The director, Werner Herzog gets more credit than he deserves for his movies. Werner was portrayed in Entourage (using a different name, but definite similarities) last season by Stellan Skarsgard, and if that portrayal is anything accurate to how he really is, I wouldn't want to know him. Prick. I'm not saying, I'm just stating what Entourage made this "fictional" character out to be. Port of Call is confusing and pointless. The story has been done, but I will say the X to Z, Xzibit adds better screen presence than Val Kilmer, who's small role is quite pointless for an actor of his caliber. Basically the Bad Lieutenant has a drug problem, Gambling problem, prostitute problem, and he tries to re-create his Leaving Las Vegas performance as a tormented man, but doesn't even come close. Eva Mendes plays his Prostitute friend, who never gets naked on screen. If she had, it would've automatically bumped my grade up a notch, but nonetheless, I will not watch it again, but if you had a notion to see it, don't let me stop you.

NBM rates Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - Good

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Whiteout

Whiteout is the lowest rated film that is not a straight up 0% since I have begun. At only 7% I didn't have anything else to do, so I figured, why not? Kate Beckinsale will get me to stop on any show at any time. Am I wrong? She plays a US Marshall stationed on Antarctica. Flashbacks about her shaky hand with a gun show us why she has been taken out of the game. Her best friend, Doc, played by Tom Skerritt adds maturity to the cast. He is looking so much like Kris Kristofferson it's not even funny. Just before the entire continent is evacuated for the six month spread known as "whiteout", a body is found. Originally thought of as an accidental death, she dug deeper, discovering things she now needs to solve before leaving. It wasn't edited well, or the story wasn't written great. I haven't figured out which one it is. Characters show up out of nowhere, plot is confusing at times, but it doesn't derail it completely. I think I had it figured out really early on, but was constantly curious as to what the final moments would bring. It's worth seeing once if you like movies about snow and wind, with a little bit a frostbite thrown in.

NBM rates Whiteout - Good

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MacGruber

MacGruber didn't disappoint, but at the same time time, didn't enhance my very being either. It was exactly what it was suppose to be. MacGruber (SNL's Will Forte) must stop the diabolical Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer). The laughs were present, but they were individual moments in the film. The film as a whole was good, but I'm still not sure what critics and people alike expected when it was released. Sure, the trailer was full of laughs, but there were many other funny parts that helped carry the movie. Did people really expect a blockbuster, serious Seagal-ish film? I didn't. I don't watch SNL often, but every time I do, there is a MacGruber skit. The MacGruber skit, for those unfamiliar with it, it always the same. He and two others have thirty seconds to disarm the bomb, but MacGruber always gets distracted and never really succeeds. I actually really enjoy the skit. What I really thought of during the movie was how the Writers took a 30 second skit, based on another fictional character, and turned it into a funny film. Of all the SNL movies, this one had the least to work with, but they ended up making a movie that is not horrible. Wayne's World, Night at the Roxbury, Blues Brothers, Ladies Man were all based on skits that had substance. MacGruber was able to stretch their sketch into 90 minutes with funny one liners, and lots of cursing. I do think the R rating was necessary. Without all the F-Bombs it may not have been as funny. I may never watch MacGruber again, but am glad I at least saw it once, to be able to say I like it.


NBM rates MacGruber - Good (1st time I have used the new rating of Good)


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